Parent Guide News
A Good Match-Establish a great relationship
between Nanny and You.
               Written by Carol Solomon, M.A., M.S.W.

Nannies and families have a unique relationship. Essentially, a stranger is coming to live with your family to help you care for the most important and special part of your life. At its best, the relationship is one of caring and respect. At its worst, it is filled with conflict and anger, often unspoken. What can be done to establish the right match and maintain a good relationship between nanny and family?

At the New York Nanny Center, Inc., counselors meet with families and listen to their expectations and feelings. They also meet with nannies in support groups where they get feedback about issues of concern. They have established several guidelines which help create and maintain the relationship between a nanny and the family she lives with. It is the foundation of excellent childcare.

Before The Nanny Arrives
A lot of groundwork has to be done before hiring a nanny:

1. Get information about her.

   You must know your nanny's life history. You'll want to know about her childcare experience, her interest and hobbies, her job experience and her schooling -- and whether she swims or smokes or drives and what her driving record has been. More important, however, is to understand her family history, her relationships, how she was raised and whether she feels she will do things the same way. It's a good sign if she has a good relationship with her parents and her siblings are doing productive things with their lives. Check her previous patterns. Has she fulfilled her commitments in the past or has her lifestyle been erratic and untouched? Does her history show that she really loves children and has spent time with them? At the New York Nanny Center, they gather information and share it with you -- the positives and negatives, so you can decide if this is the right nanny.

2. Establish a working contract.

   A good contract, verbal or written, establishes the rights of both the family and the nanny. It should be specific and include expectations for child care and housework, living arrangements, time off etc. The contract not only clarifies issues but provides a vehicle to facilitate communication. It's often easier to say "remember what we talked about in the contract" than to bring up an issue spontaneously.

   In order to draw up a contract, expectations must be explored in depth. What is light housekeeping? For some it means picking up after the children and for others, all household cleaning. What are evenings off? Does it mean 6:30 when parents return or 9:00 when the children go to bed? Few expectations are right or wrong but they must be clear so that each knows what to expect.

3. Work out the relationship.

   The contract is concrete. The relationship is much more intangible and perhaps more important. Many of the concrete issues can be dealt with if there is mutually caring and respectful relationship. Parents should explore with each other the type of relationship they want with the nanny and discuss it with her. Do you want her to be "part of the family" and what does it mean? Establish boundaries with which you are comfortable. Some people tell us that the entire family and the nanny have dinner together. Other couples, particularly those with infants, prefer to have dinner by themselves and value their privacy. Your needs should be as compatible as possible with those of your nanny. These are the intangibles that cannot be put in a contract but are the real foundation of the relationship.

   If you follow these steps before your nanny arrives, you will be ahead of the game before you begin. Both you and your nanny will have a clear sense of expectations. Let's not forget the real object of this concern. Before the nanny arrives, prepare your child. Your children are the most important people in this situation. They must be included. Talk to them about the nanny before her arrival. Discuss their feelings. If a nanny is leaving, talk to them about your feelings and ask them to share theirs.

   You may be thinking that this is difficult to have a heavy discussion with a 6 week old about this (which is true) but even toddlers can be included in many ways that are developmentally appropriate. Children are very sensitive to the feelings of the family and know when changes occur.

When The Nanny Arrives
Once the nanny arrives, even when you have made all the appropriate preparations, there will be a period of adjustment.

PARENTGUIDE News
A Good Match - Establishing a great relationship between Nanny and you!

Long Island Parenting News
Here They Come - Bringing home Baby and Nanny.

The Blue & Gold - Student Life
From Lewis County to New York City - Taking time off to work as nannies was the right choice for two students.

Family Publishing Group - The Baby Guide
Baby Section - The New York Nanny Center