Here they come! It's the traditional picture of the new mommy and daddy returning from the hospital with baby wrapped in a pink or blue blanket. However, it is 1990 and something has changed. Often a "nanny" has been added to the picture. This is not a baby nurse who will stay for a week or two helping the parents, but a nanny who will continue to care for the baby on a full time basis after both parents have returned to work.

Having a new baby, in and of itself, changes the dynamics of the family whether or not the mother is returning to work. However, when the mother is returning to work, additional factors come into play. Often parents feel ambivalence, anxiety and guilt about leaving their newborn with a caregiver. Essentially, a 'stranger' is coming to live with your family to help you care for, as one mother put it, "the most important and special part of your life." At its best the relationship is one of deep mutual caring and respect. At its worst it is filled with conflict and anger often left unspoken.

What can be done to deal with your feelings about having a nanny and to establish the right "match" between your family and a nanny?

A good beginning is for both parents to recognize their feelings and share them openly. A husband may be angry that his wife has chosen to return to work or a wife may be unhappy that she must return to work or a wife may be unhappy that she must return to work for financial reasons. A husband who has not been in the position to make a choice may have difficulty understanding his wife's conflict. While talking about feelings may not lead to having the same ones, they will help in understanding each other.

Will she be a part of the family and what does this mean? As an example, some families have dinner with their nanny. Others value their privacy and prefer to have dinner themselves. Some families enjoy including nannies on family outings and other do not. Are you a quiet family who will feel intruded upon by a very talkative nanny or a verbal family who will have difficulty with a quiet, introspective nanny? Are you an unstructured, casual family who will be uncomfortable with a very organized, precise nanny or will this perhaps provide a good balance?

Assess your needs and explore in depth with the nanny her background and her needs. Learn about her family and how she was brought up to see if she will fit in well and feel comfortable with your family. Learn her thoughts about raising children to sure that they are similar to those of the family. This is of utmost importance.

In addition to establishing a good match in terms of the relationship, it is essential that an accurate and clear job description be established which defines the rights and responsibilities nannies and families have towards each other. It should be specific and include expectations for childcare, housework, living arrangements, time off, etc. Make sure that definitions are clear. What are evenings off? Is it 6:30, when parents return, or 9:00, when the children go to bed? Few expectations are right or wrong, but they must be clear so that each party knows what to expect.

Most importantly, it is essential to remember that any relationship is a process and requires ongoing communication of concerns and feelings. In a manner that is comfortable for you and your nanny, establish way to share these thoughts. For some, ten minutes at the end of the day is best. For others, a weekly meeting is more effective. Some families and nannies may find that communication is an integral part of their relationship and that a structured time is not necessary.